come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
