my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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