Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
