wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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