so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Four minutes until I can fart!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
