What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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