I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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