It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
