No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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