I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up under a house in Key West
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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