you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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