I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
