that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
