Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
