I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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