i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
