Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
