Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
