my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
