dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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