Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
