4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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