I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
