apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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