He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
