I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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