hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
