She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
