She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
