I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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