Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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