Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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