smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
