why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
