nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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