somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
