Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
