I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
