I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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