I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize