Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
