Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
