He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
