I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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