you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
