so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
