I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
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He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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