Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
