I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
