you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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