I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
