Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
