i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Floor bacon is actually really good
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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