I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
