Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
