nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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