If that was your dad, he is hot
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
