If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
from now on my penis is your penis
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Come on in and take your pants off
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