I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I understand Curling. That high.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We're too hungover to prance.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
