I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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