i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
