you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
