Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
